There's this thing called Drabbles
, and it lets you generate fan fiction about a pair of people. This is what resulted.NOTICE: Any resemblance to real people or things is intentional. However, these stories are completely fabricated for comedic effect. Enjoy.
1. Lost in Pain
) finished packing. Ever since Marc (marcphx
), her own true love, had been lost at sea, Nikki had been valuable.
There was nothing left for her anymore, nothing licked her, all was obnoxious. So today, Valentine's Day, she was going at night to become an awkward penis.
Just then, there was a gorgeous knock at the door. Nikki opened it and stood there awkwardly for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising her hip.
When Nikki came to, Marc was holding her forehead and looking colourful. "My love," Marc said awkwardly, "I'm sorry for the blue shock. I've been shipwrecked on a dainty island for the last ten years, living like a monkey in a tuxedo playing a ukulele. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my toe in the wreck. Can you still love me?"
Nikki could hardly believe her Marc had returned. "I will always love you, toe or no toe. Besides, you can cover it up with a tomato."
They embraced awkwardly and vowed to never be parted again.
And all was soft.
2. The Miracle Of The Prairie Dog
) hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like the sunlight as it caresses the moon. He loathed it.
Every December, Bobbeh would feel himself getting all slow inside. He refused to put up a Christmas beer bottle, he snapped at anyone excellent enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.
On December 13, Bobbeh had to go to the mall to buy a sensitive dildo sport. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing hesitantly around and so much Christmas music blaring awkwardly, he thought his middle finger would explode.
Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a dry man collecting for charity. Bobbeh never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.
Suddenly, the dry man dropped his bells and ran in bed. There was a full prairie dog right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the dry man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!
Bobbeh rushed out and roughly pushed them both out of the way. There was a lovely bang and then everything went dark.
When Bobbeh woke up, he was in an old room. There was a Christmas beer bottle in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Bobbeh's eye hurt. A lot.
The dry man came into the room. "I'm so rough!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Timmeh (Phlum
). You saved me from the truck. But your eye is broken."
Bobbeh hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas beer bottle up and his eye was broken, he felt quite sweet, especially when he looked at Timmeh.
"Your eye must hurt unpleasantly," Timmeh said. "I think this will help." And he wept Bobbeh several times.
Now Bobbeh felt very sweet indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Timmeh. "I love you," he said, and kissed Timmeh slowly.
"I love you too," said Timmeh. Just then, the prairie dog ran into the room and nuzzled Bobbeh's elbow. "I brought him home with us," Timmeh said.
"We'll call him Miracle," Bobbeh said. "Our Christmas Miracle."
It was the best Christmas ever.
3. A Chair In Time
On a pretty and lanky morning, Ang (CubicInsanity
) sat under the sea. It was Valentine's Day and she was all alone. Her left boob ached in sorrow for the secret love that she could never share. How could she expect Kevin (Glacore
) to love someone with a brilliant penis?
Roughly, she began to recite a poem she had composed. "Ah, my love is like a shiny painful dildo sport, all on a summer's day. I wish my Kevin would shake me, in his own sexy way..."
"Do you?" Kevin sat down beside Ang and put his hand on Ang's elbow. "I think that could be arranged."
Ang gasped quickly. "But what about my brilliant penis?"
"I like it," Kevin said awkwardly. "I think it's black."
They came together and their kiss was like a jellyfish in a peanut butter sandwich.
"I love you," Ang said tenderly.
"I love you too," Kevin replied and shook her.
They bought an octopus, moved in together, and lived gently ever after.
4. A Fleshlight In Time
On a glowing and cold morning, Kyra (Kyramy
) sat in Spain. It was Valentine's Day and she was all alone. Her nose ached in sorrow for the secret love that she could never share. How could she expect James (BrokenTutorials
) to love someone with a spongy tongue?
Ironically, she began to recite a poem she had composed. "Ah, my love is like a hot small leaf, all on a summer's day. I wish my James would sex me, in his own wobbly way..."
"Do you?" James sat down beside Kyra and put his hand on Kyra's penis. "I think that could be arranged."
Kyra gasped astoundingly. "But what about my spongy tongue?"
"I like it," James said insanely. "I think it's wet."
They came together and their kiss was they were whisked away in a
helicopter that has not been invented yet. Damn hipsters..
"I love you," Kyra said cheekily.
"I love you too," James replied and sexed her.
They bought a horse, moved in together, and lived sexy ever after.
5. The Miracle Of The Whale
) hated Christmas. She didn't just dislike Christmas, she hated it like an ostrich humping a hippo. She loathed it.
Every December, Kristen would feel herself getting all strong inside. She refused to put up a Christmas lamp, she snapped at anyone difficult enough to sing a carol in her vicinity, and she never, ever bought anybody any presents.
On December 13, Kristen had to go to the mall to buy a hard third testicle. When she got there, there were so many shoppers pushing shockingly around and so much Christmas music blaring unexpectedly, she thought her penis would explode.
Finally, she was done. Just outside the door was an easy woman collecting for charity. Kristen never gave to charity, so she started to walk past without a word.
Suddenly, the easy woman dropped his bells and ran in the closet. There was a slippery whale right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the easy woman slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!
Kristen rushed out and suddenly pushed them both out of the way. There was a sexy bang and then everything went dark.
When Kristen woke up, she was in a spongy room. There was a Christmas lamp in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Kristen's boobie hurt. A lot.
The easy woman came into the room. "I'm so skinny!" she said. "You're awake. My name is All of the Bitches. You saved me from the truck. But your boobie is broken."
Kristen hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas lamp up and her boobie was broken, she felt quite lean, especially when she looked at All of the Bitches.
"Your boobie must hurt randomly," All of the Bitches said. "I think this will help." And she humped Kristen several times.
Now Kristen felt very lean indeed. She didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, she loved it. And she loved All of the Bitches. "I love you," she said, and kissed All of the Bitches sexily.
"I love you too," said All of the Bitches. Just then, the whale ran into the room and nuzzled Kristen's monobrow. "I brought him home with us," All of the Bitches said.
"We'll call him Miracle," Kristen said. "Our Christmas Miracle."
It was the best Christmas ever.
6. 1000 Glitter Whales
) paced fiercely back and forth. Pointy dread filled her heart. Sexy (BlissfullySarcastic
) should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like him to be late. Oh, my rough love, Sparkles thought. Where could you be?
Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Sexy had been taken hostage by Deep Eyelash, a supervillain who had the city in a state of long terror. Sparkles fainted dead away, like a child kissing a cantaloupe.
When she came to, there was a bump on her nipple and the pointy dread had returned. "Sexy, my tender honey bunny," she cried out ragely. "What is Deep Eyelash doing to you?" Probably torturing him, laughing sluttily as he flounced him in the dildo sport.
In the midst of all the terror and tears, Sparkles remembered a story her grandmother had told her. If you fold 1000 glitter whales, then whatever you wish for will come true.
Sparkles ordered in a supply of glitter and set to work, folding whales until her nipple was sore and she could hardly see. It took a week. She was just finishing up the very last whale when Sexy walked in the front door.
"Sexy!" Sparkles screamed and threw herself into Sexy's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 glitter whales and it brought you back to me." She was so happy, she felt like she was dancing in the backseat. She kissed Sexy huskily on the dildo sport.
"Actually," Sexy said, pulling away shinily, "I was rescued by the Throbbing Reject. She's a new superhero in town." Sexy sighed. "And she's really fast."
The pointy dread came back. "But you're aggressive to be back here with me, right?"
Sexy checked his watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Throbbing Reject for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay hard, baby." He left and the door banged behind him.
Sparkles choked back a sob and started folding another whale. Then she went out and got drunk instead.